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When I was a student at Furman University in Greenville, SC, and serving
as pastor at Beaverdam Baptist Church, I went through a severe spiritual
crisis of doubting that I was "saved." I had gone to hear a well-known
evangelist preach in a revival in Spartanburg, SC, and he had stressed
having a certain kind of "conversion" and being "sure you were saved" or
you were not saved! He said repeatedly that if you doubt your
salvation, you are not "saved." Somehow, this burned into my mind and
heart and I became literally sick with worry. I could not sleep, and I
worried about my salvation all the time. I did not have the "feeling"
that he described so vividly in his sermon.
What advice would you have given to me if you had been with me at that
time? I asked several religion professors and some of my ministerial
student friends if they had doubted their salvation. The answer always
was "No," until I confessed that I doubted mine, and then they would
become honest and share with me their own experiences of doubt and
uncertainty! I realized that the pressure to pretend to be confident in
fundamentalist religion even when you have doubts is one of the
strongest forms of sick abusive religion.
I also realized at that time that a lot of what Southern Baptist
ministerial students and pastors preach is not what they have learned
for themselves from the Bible or their own experience but what they have
heard other preachers say, even when they did not know what they were
talking about! A lot of murky uncertain misinformation gets into
sermons and does greater damage to people than the preachers realize.
Ignorance is in charge, and ignorance kills!
Discovering the Truth in Jesus
I was not satisfied with any answers that came from other people. Using
Young's Concordance, I looked up and read every verse in the New
Testament that talked about being saved or about salvation. Not one
verse mentioned "feeling" or gave any kind of "proof" that the
individual could depend on beyond simply trusting in God's love and
grace. I was greatly relieved! But I still had no proof. I continued
to pray and search. I finally told God that I might go to hell, but I
would go to hell trusting in Jesus. That hit me as so ludicrous that I
laughed at myself.
This worrying, searching and praying episode lasted for about four
months. Needless to say, this distraction from my studies took its toll
in bad grades and other mistakes.
Two verses of encouragement finally settled my mind. John 3:16-17
became the bedrock of my new confidence. I am included in "whosoever,"
and so are you. Another very brief verse helped: "Cast all your anxiety
upon God, for God cares for you." (I Peter 5:7) Finding a way out of
the misinformed evangelical demand that I should experience a certain
"feeling" to be sure I was God's child was a long tortuous journey. The
"cold grip of fear" is still a vivid memory from those days of
uncertainly and doubting 48 years ago. I still have doubts and
uncertainties, but they don't drive me crazy and destroy my sense of
peace with God.
I can still remember my overwhelming sense of relief when I finally
decided to let go of trying to prove my salvation and just trust God to
be in charge. But it was far from all over. I continued for years to
listen to misinformed fundamentalist preachers pontificate about things
that they did not understand. It took many years for me to begin to
become objective and realistic about the Bible and about what I was
called to be and do in ministry. Only when I was outed and the complete
break with Southern Baptists came for me in 1981 was I able to begin
thinking in new directions and with the new freedom that has led to my
web site and book.
Letting go is hard to do. Psalm 46:10 became more meaningful a few
years ago when I noticed the marginal reading. The verse says, "Be
still and know that I am God." The marginal reading is: "Let go, relax
and know (experience) that I am God." What this says to me is that I
don't have to struggle to play God. I can relax and let go and let God
be in control. I don,t have to do everything myself. In fact, I don't
have to do anything myself. This can be a great liberating revelation.
Joy has come for me to the degree that I have been willing to let go and
let God be God. I have come to the place now where I really don't try
to manipulate everything and everybody. I am tempted to try, but it
never works. My codependence will never be completely under control,
but I am trying. When I intentionally let go of trying to control other
people, the joy and peace that come are worth the effort. I have come
to the conclusion that when I really trust God and believe that God is
in control, whatever is supposed to happen will happen, for there are no
accidents with God.
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Websites:
Steps to Recovery From Bible Abuse
Books:
Steps to Recovery from Bible Abuse
Dynamics of Faith
Or search Amazon.com for books related to GLBT people and Christianity.
Other Articles By Rembert Truluck:
Life in the Brave New World of Jesus
What Jesus Said About Family Values
Also In This Issue:
Better Heresy of Doctrine Than Heresy of Heart
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