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The Fall Of Man
In the beginning...
God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was
without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face
of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better
than this." And God said, "Let there be light" and there
was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass,
the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit,"
and God saw that it was good.
And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our
likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the
sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and
over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that
creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in
his own image; male and female did He create. And God
looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were
lean and fit.
And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower
and spinach, green and beneficent. And the Devil created
McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent
double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want
fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man
gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might
keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil
brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And the Devil
brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10
pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables
and olive oil with which to cook them." And the Devil
brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its
own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad
cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved
to lose those extra pounds. And the Devil brought forth
cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to
toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And
Man gained another 20 pounds. And God said, "You're
running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally
low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And the Devil
peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center
into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created
sour cream dip. And Man clutched his remote control
and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the
Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac
arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass
surgery. And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.
Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken
and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And the
Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body
with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to
drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the
same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds.
And God created the life-giving tofu. And Woman ventur-
ed forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon return-
ing asked Man: "Do I look fat?" And the Devil said, "Always
tell the truth." And Man did. And Woman went out from the
presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer,
east of the marriage counselor. And Woman put aside the
seeds of the earth and took unto herself consolation food.
And God brought forth Weight-Watchers. It didn't help.
And God created exercise machines with easy payments.
And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the
exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod,
east of the polyester leisure suit. And in the fullness of
time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man
in the property settlement.
It didn't help her either...
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