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"I cannot be good as I desire to be, and I do wrong against my wishes."
Little else in my spiritual journey with God has the effect of bringing me
face to face with these sentiments of the Apostle Paul as does the topic of
grace. For all my lofty aspirations to embrace and embody this fundamental
aspect of Christian faith, I often feel no closer to personifying it than
when I first began. Weekly I am reminded of my debt to this gift of God, and
so I offer these thoughts not as some expert in theology and faith, but rather as a lowly fellow seeker. As one who sees the pearl of great price and is actively, if feebly, selling all I have to possess it. And yet, grace
is already mine without effort. Perhaps the first among the many
paradoxes of the Christian faith that collectively frame the narrow way to
God. I hope to offer some clarity and some encouragement in this essay.
Let me begin with an attempt to define what I am talking about when I use the word, grace. Let me employ a metaphor: Grace is the gasoline
that fuels the engine of my faith. It is the incredible idea that God has
made a way for me to become more than my finite imagination can conceive of,
and all that divine will has prepared for me. Grace finds the fullness of
its expression in the death and resurrection of Christ, God's ultimate gift
to creation. Through the grace unleashed in the power of Christ's sacrifice,
I may stand before God, holy and acceptable in God's sight--not by anything I
have done or will ever do, but as a response to this act of sacrifice alone.
That's the company line, and I believe it.
Through grace God provides me with a way to become more Christ-like--but let
me clearly explain what I mean by this overused phrase: To be Christ-like
for me means to become a channel for God's love, to be an example of one in relationship with my Creator. Grace is what brings me the insight and the
ability to do this. Even as it's God's will that I and all creation live in
a transformational awareness of God it takes the gift of grace to see this
and act to attain it. Okay, lofty words, but were does the rubber meet the
road? I suspect that in so much as there are billions of different people on
this planet, there are billions of different possibilities, so let me offer
three from my own experience in the hope that they will act as guides in your
faith life.
First, grace becomes real to me in humility. I may be a bit of an oddity in
the gay and lesbian world in that I have a very healthy ego. I was never
tormented as a child or adolescent, I was not rejected by my parents, and I
did not grow up the church to face the specter of institutionalized condemnation in the name of God. In short, I'm pretty lucky (or blessed, if
you prefer). I stand fairly confidently in my opinions, I am not
easily dissuaded, and I do not like to sit in the back seat. My confidence
expressed freely can leave others feeling implicitly unimportant, and on
occasion explicitly belittled. I don't mean to hurt other people, I don't
like myself when I do, but I do.
Grace lets me see that being right is not always the right thing to be. This is especially true when it comes to God. The idea of grace has
opened my eyes to the fact that although I feel the need to engage my enemies
with a defense of God's presence in my life, I don't really need to. The
issue of God's presence has been fully settled by God. My attempts to defend
God's presence are too often launched in the spirit of my own frail power, and not as a result of divine engagement. God does not need an apologist.
God may choose to have been present my witness, but God doesn't need me to make
the world right. It is enough that I am willing, and more than enough that I
learn to rest in God, commune with the Holy Spirit, trust in the mercy of
Christ. Just as Jesus prayed in the garden, "Thy will, and not mine, be
done." Grace allows each of us to step outside of ourselves and change.
Second, and closely linked to humility, is forgiveness. This is the lesson
that I am currently engaged in learning at the forefront of my spiritual
course work. In short: Grace is not simply God's plain to forgive my sins,
but it is God's way for me to forgive the sins of others--the trespasses
against me we are so found of reciting in the Lord's Prayer. Just as I am
learning not to force my will upon others, I am seeing more clearly how much
I must not take offense against others who have imposed theirs on me. I must
not assume that they mean me intentional harm, and even when they do--and
let's face it, as gay and lesbian Christians we are often the target of
intentional persecution--I must realize that it is done out of their own
weakness and fear. Or to turn the tables, I must learn to abhor the sin
while still loving the sinner. Can I do this in my own strength? Absolutely
not! But in God's grace, I can. I can because in God's sight, this is true:
We are all equally beholding to, and equally blessed by God's love.
In fact, more than threatened by the invective and persecution of others, I
feel sorry for them. I feel sorry that they choose to give me so much power over their happiness. I feel sorry that they still feel the need to defend
God, demonstrating how little they really know God. I feel sorry that
their witness of Christ to others is predicated upon tearing down and not
building up. But pity and forgiveness are not the same. And for me
personally, forgiveness from the heart remains a constant challenge. I know
I should, nay must, forgive others who threaten me, and yet my need for the
grace from God to do this is mighty.
Finally, grace fuels my desire to love. And by love I do not mean to simply feel humble and keep my mouth shut when I want to set someone straight, but to actively seek ways to build others up, to sincerely honor their God given dignity. Likewise, I do not mean to take the insults and injustices of
others and feel no hurt from them through my emotional forgiveness, but to
seek out ways to honor their God given dignity, too. To love in community,
to see all those around me to whom my life has been closely joined, and to
act toward them in ways that affirm and express God's profound love for them.
While God does not need me to present a defense, God does delight in my
offering an offense. As I embrace God's love for me and the grace this love
floods into my life, I must turn to those around me and allow this love to
flow outward in their behalf. I must not let my pride or my resentments or
even my fears stop me.
As members of the sexual minority, it is important to realize that so much of
what encompasses our journey toward God, transcends the differences our
sexuality presents within the greater context of Christianity. I hope these
ideas that I have offered can resonate for anyone who reads this. But
as gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered women and men, we can also take
away something special. For even as God is universally attuned to all
creation, God is also individually in love with each and every one of us. So
to our community God's grace brings us the confidence to stand as followers
without the need to defend our place in God's kingdom against the fearful and the bullies who may surround us. God gives us the power to forgive those who
have trespassed against us because of who we are, and who we choose to love
in intimacy--a gift that frees us from their tyranny. And then God's grace
enables us to love others with confidence, and at times with courage. The
acceptance and transformation by and of the greater church will come as we
demonstrate in love the reality of God's grace in our lives. It is not an
easy work to accomplish, but we have one another from whom to draw upon our
encouragement, and we have God's grace to fuel our lives as we act in humility, forgiveness and love.
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The Surprising Side of Grace : Appreciating God's Loving Anger Steven Bly What's So Amazing About Grace? Philip Yancey
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