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"Lord,
The above are lyrics I wrote to a song which as of yet no band I
have been in has ever performed; lots of the hard rock bands I have sung for
have not been too keen on me writing songs about God. One band I was in
once were horrified to see me use the word "God" in a song. And another did
not like my suggested name for the band, "Love Kills Hate", because it
sounded, "too Christian." They didn't want people to think we were "gay".
Eventually it came down to a choice -- my faith or the band. I didn't miss
those guys very much. I had to live in a closet around them. They were
definitely homophobic/biphobic, though not of the "Religious Right"
variety. They were a gentle reminder that it is not just fundamentalist or conservative
evangelicals who engage in LGBT bashing. Had I told them of my bisexuality
I would have been out of the band instantly. Of course, if I told them I
was in love with a bisexual woman who had a girlfriend she was intimate
with, THAT would have been okay with them, but had I told them I was involved
with another guy? Suddenly my bisexuality would be a source of fear for
them. They would have understood my polyfidelity just fine so long as I was
involved with two women and not a woman and a man. They did appreciate my
open mindedness about sexuality; but a couple of them were totally turned
off to the idea that I embraced sexuality as God's Gift, and especially
that I identified with being "Christian." But those are other stories,
perhaps for another time. For now I want to talk about the topic -- suffering.
This is not an easy one for me, as I believe God never causes or creates suffering
yet seeks to save us from it when we bring it upon ourselves.
I had a good friend in this band who was a self-proclaimed
agnostic/atheist. He had a real issue with God, so much he decided to stop
believing in God. And he kept on asking me the question of, "Why does God
allow so much suffering if God is so Loving?" To which I could only reply
as I have always believed: Our suffering never has been, and in my opinion
and faith never will be, the work of God. When we endure suffering in our
lives, it is quite often because we have let go of our trust in God, or just
because it happens in this life, sometimes there is no answer to that
question, "Why?", only an opportunity to put our faith in God and look to all
of the little blessings we have in everyday life for solace. But if we
become caught up in the Spirit, even those times when we suffer can be
filled with hope and encouragement.
I believe that that is why Jesus taught it is so absolutely vital
that we have a personal and intimate relationship and trust in God, for He
knew that the world which God created for us could sometimes be a place
filled with trials and tribulations. But I think that God did not place us
here to suffer it out alone. God sent Christ, as well as a host of angels
disguised as human beings, to show us how to survive these difficult
times -- through faith, hope, and love.
Some people use the parable of Job or other Biblical parables
to illustrate all of the various ways that different people of faith see
suffering. Some see it as a "punishment" or "God's Wrath." Some see it as
a "temptation from the devil" or a "test from God." (Though I have as much
of a difficult time seeing God as allowing Job to suffer trials from the
Devil as part of some "wager" as I do with a God that would burn us in hell
for not believing a certain doctrine. It must have been a way for the writer
of the Book of Job to put some sort of Divine "Purpose" to suffering.)
Personally, and this should come as no great surprise to anyone who has read
other things I have written, I do not see suffering as any of these. I see
it as a fact of life that we are faced with simply by our human frailty, our
innocence as children of the Divine in a world that comes with a few basic
instructions to try and avoid suffering, illustrated most eloquently in the
teachings of Christ. Treat others as we would like to be treated; don't
judge others; the Kingdom of Heaven is within and limitless; love God more
than anything.
To say that suffering is a punishment for sin to me is the same as
believing in a God that will send us off to suffer in eternal hell for not
believing or for believing and practicing certain things. While I do not
believe that God directly punishes anyone for their careless or deliberately
cruel actions towards another, I do believe that there are natural spiritual
Laws that God set into action when the Universe was created, and Jesus to me
spelled it out best: "What you sow, you will also reap." That to me means,
if we violate the Golden Rule, that of "Love thy neighbour as thyself", then
we put ourselves at risk of the spiritual Law of Cause and Effect coming
back to us, and when all we sow is hate, negativity, or evil then that is
what our lives become -- which to me would be a living hell.
To cite an example from my own life: there was a time many many
years ago when I was a "self-proclaimed atheist." I really did not believe
that there was no God, I just wanted to deny that I believed in God, in an
effort that I might be able to make God go away. (I sort of did the same
thing for many years in regards to my bisexuality and my own identity.)
Anyway, without going into the sordid details, I had begun to run with a
group of younger kids who were professional thieves. I had always seen them
have a lot of money, and when I finally found out how they asked me to join
them on a "job." Hesitantly, very nervously, I agreed. Now you must
remember that at that time in my life I was falsely thinking that there was
no God, so that meant that there were no rules. Still my heart felt
sickened by the thought of doing something that might hurt another human
being, but I rationalized that by saying, "Hey, I have had things taken from
me. I can't have what I want so why should anyone else?" It sort of
worked, mentally, but never in my heart. At that point and time in my life,
I was blinded by alcohol, and depression and also the repression of my own
identity, so I did end up doing something I never thought I would do and
something I never ever wanted to do. I did not receive any money, nor did
they receive very much but we did receive a lot of problems because of what
we did, and caused problems for a lot of innocent people.
I knew I had done something that was a major, even though I don't
focus on this word very much, sin. Maybe I didn't call it that at the time,
but it sure didn't feel good to have done such a thing. A few months later,
after severing the ties with these criminals, I was doing pretty well. After
all, I had not been caught and to my knowledge, neither had they at that
time. I had moved to another city, where I had just landed a job making
more money than I ever had. Keep in mind that I had just forgotten about
what happened, and although I had felt sorry, I had never asked God for
forgiveness, and had never made any attempt to atone. The very first night
when I came home from my job, two men with a gun greeted me as I walked to
my front door. It's a bit scary to see a loaded gun in your face and
hearing two gang members say, "Go ahead and call for help, call the
cops. We'll shoot you right in front of them. We don't care if we go to jail
or not. Now give us everything you got."
I spent most of that night certain that I was going to die. I was
horrified but believe it or not, I still did not pray, because I was trying
not to believe in God, and this also made me think that if there was a God,
I would just be mad at Him. (Back then the image "God" conjured to me was a
big angry "Him" who hated people like me anyway.) So these guys took about
$5,000.00 worth of my personal property as one held the gun to my head in my
living room. And I will never ever forget what one of them said to me
before they left and spared my life:
"This is happening to you because of some bad you did somewhere. Just
justice getting worked out."
Now, I don't think that those men were angels or devils or working
for God but I to this day believe that that was the Law of sowing and
reaping Jesus taught of in action. Let me give you another example, this
time in someone else's life:
I had just moved to California from the Midwest and was trying out
for several hard rock bands. My voice was rusty. I had horrible bouts of
stage fright, and my performance was less than promising at that time. But
I had a dream, a dream of being a good singer in a band that I loved singing
for, and I really had faith in what I was doing. I was taking vocal and
performance lessons, but I had just begun to really develop my voice. I was
offered a chance to sing for a friend's band. At the audition, there was a
drummer who criticized my performance. He was a great musician. He had the
image, the talent, and unfortunately, a tremendous ego to match. He
particularly seemed to enjoy discouraging those who were not as talented as
he. When the rehearsal was over, he came up to me, and without my asking,
he said, "Look, my advice to you? You just don't have `it' to make it in the
music world. Do yourself a huge favor, cut your hair, get a real job, and
give it up before you make a fool out of yourself, because you are never
going to be successful with this."
Even though I was so angry I could have screamed, I resisted
anger and calmly smiled and said to him, "You know, thank you for your
opinion. But that is all that it is, your opinion. And I disagree with
you. I will succeed. You are not my judge and jury." He laughed at me, but
I simply let it go and pursued my music with a passion, occasionally putting
up with his derision and disbelief.
Six years later, the hard rock band I was a part of at that time was
playing a nearly sold-out show for a crowd of over five hundred people.
Thanks to God, (even though by the time of that particular occasion I can
say I believed in God's Love, I had not really found my specific spiritual
path or direction yet) I had almost totally overcome my stage fright (I
would totally overcome the remainder of it later when I began soloing in
church!) and my voice was better than I had ever thought it could be.
During the part of the concert when I was introduced as the lead singer, I
heard a voice in the crowd cheer above the others. As I left the stage that
night, I turned to see the same drummer from years and years before. He
looked totally different. He had given up his music career and cut his
hair, and was living the type of life he had told me I should live way back
when. He shook my hand and said, "I can't believe it, you really did do
it." Did I gloat? Absolutely not. I felt bad that he was not up there with
me. But it appeared that he had spent so much of his time belittling others
in his heyday that he had let his own career slide. Yet do I feel that this
was God's "punishment" to him, for being arrogant? No. I don't think God
wanted him to not succeed. He just chose to focus his energies on being
critical of others, rather than strengthening his own career. I prayed that
someday he would have his dreams fulfilled. God to me seeks to comfort us
when we have had bad times, and to save us from the consequences of our own
acting in fear, not say, "I told you so" when we "miss the mark."
But when we sow love is when I have seen the greatest harvest
reaped, whether it is something we expect to happen or not and especially
when we sow love during times when we are feeling persecuted or experiencing
hardship. I discovered the entire community of bisexual friends and
polyfidelitous friends I have and the support network that saved me from the
loneliness I was feeling through an article I "happened" to see while doing
hours of non-profit volunteer work for gay and bisexual men and women with
HIV/AIDS. After a year of learning to use the church computer to put
together the Sunday bulletin, spending hours and hours of my own time in a
labor of love for God and my church every Saturday night, I realized that I
had learned all the major software programs and design skills necessary to
get the best job I have ever had. And I have often found hope and
encouragement from others in some way, whenever I have been doing something
nice for others. I never did all these things to gain these gifts, I did
them all out of love for others, expecting nothing in return, for God has
already given me so many blessings that my cup is overflowing. I just
wanted to pass that love on to others who needed it. Thankfully, I have
more stories of love being sown and reaped than negativity.
Though I do not think for a moment that God is the author of
the experiences that cause us pain, I think that God is fully aware of these
experiences being a part of our lives and seems to draw closer to us as we
find ourselves in the midst of them. I cannot believe as some may in a God
who uses suffering as a means to draw us closer. No, I think God is the
Loving Spirit that reaches into the deepest sorrow, hurt and pain that we
have ever found ourselves in to remind us time and again that even when it
seems as if the entire world is against us, we are never, ever alone. We
have a Friend in the Highest Place of Love that will redeem us and grant us
an eternal unconditional Love and sense of Peace and Oneness that no one,
nothing, and no experience that causes us pain can or will ever take away
from us.
Some of us who are Christians believe that we show our deepest
reverence for God through sacrifice and suffering, citing the life of
Jesus, who devoted His entire time on this Earth to His ministry and
suffering for it, as an example. But in my heart, He did not do this to set
an example by His suffering, but rather to set an example by His Love, God's
Love for all of us, embodied in the human form of Christ. In other words, I
believe that Jesus died the way He did, that we might know the Most
Excellent Way of Love, and how to apply the beautiful Truth Jesus taught
that we might experience the life and Love God gave us more abundantly. And
even as Jesus died in agony on the cross, I think that His heart was so full
of Love and God that He felt no physical pain, only the sorrow that those
who executed Him could not see through the scales that they had allowed
religious Laws to cover their hearts with, the sorrow that they had obscured
the real God of Love out of their own fear. He suffered in the name of Love
for all of us, loving those who were causing Him pain as He did. I don't
know about others but sometimes that can be the most difficult thing in the
world for us to do though not impossible.
I do not think Jesus was a sacrifice to a Father angry with human
sins but rather God in the flesh Who loved us all so much that He chose to
suffer to get us the message of how to Love One Another, know God's
Unconditional Love for each and every one of us, no matter how diverse and
different, and fully experience the joy that comes by letting God's Love
flow through us, vessels for that Love, to each other. Maybe sometimes
there is no answer to the "Why?" for things like Jesus suffering in order
that we might know God, and Love fully, and we just have to be grateful for
the Love God has shown, to which I say, "Why not?"
I have, as I am sure most everyone who is LGBT has, been
targeted by those who disagree with who and what I am as a "cause" of
suffering. I have also been attacked by conservative Christians and
others as being the author of my own suffering just by being myself. How
many times have we heard those who oppose LGBT rights say that "AIDS is a
punishment, and those who suffer from AIDS, HIV, or other sexually
transmitted diseases are doing so because God disapproves of their
sexuality?" Or, how many times have we heard those who would like to attempt
to change our God-given gift of sexuality to what they have deemed as God's
Will for us by saying, "LGBT people suffer, so that is why we want to
"rescue" them from suffering through reparative therapy and changing them?"
Or, how many times have we heard, "You are suffering in your personal life
because God is 'trying to tell you something' about your homosexual/bisexual
lifestyle?" And last but not least, there is the suffering that many of us
who are not "out" have had to endure silently -- the "fag" jokes at work, the
disapproval of LGBT rights by other Christians who we love very much but who
allow their prejudices to interfere with their unconditional acceptance of
us, and, for a lot of bisexuals, the rejection we face because we are
different and not accepted very freely in the heterosexual or gay and
lesbian communities.
People who are not familiar with bisexuals, or bisexuality, are
often quick to make snap judgments about us: "Oh, those bisexuals, they've got
the best of both worlds." Well, for some of us, yes. But sometimes we can
get the worst, too. We are often misunderstood by both those who are heterosexual
and those who are homosexual. We do have our share of difficult times. We
are at times seen as a threat to both heterosexuality and homosexuality, at
others merely "confused" or "in the closet", and at others, just plain
crazy. As for myself, an openly bisexual man who is happiest when in
committed and loving, yet open, relationships with both a female and a male
partner, and who also loves God more than anything and is not afraid to be
"out" about that to others, either, I can say that I have suffered plenty
just for being honest about who I am. But the inner peace I feel at having
finally accepted myself as God created me and living the truth of who I am
with honesty, integrity, and love and respect for all others to the best of
my ability, is worth any amount of suffering I have to endure at the
prejudice and misunderstanding of others.
A lot of people cannot understand why I choose to be "out"
as a bisexual. A lot of people have said, "You could just pass for
heterosexual and don't tell others you have a relationship with a man as
well as a woman? What they don't know won't hurt them." Maybe their not
knowing won't hurt them, but it hurts thousands of others all the time -- those
who are closeted. The bisexual men I know who assume the role of total
heterosexuality and yet behind their wifes' backs, go out and have
anonymous sexual encounters with other men are often the first ones to
criticize the fact that anyone I am in a relationship with know that I am
bisexual from the very beginning, and feel the need to honestly and
ethically love both a woman and a man. They simply see it as one of several
choices, as they are pressured by the homophobic voices in the heterosexual
world to "stop that queering around" and by the biphobic voices in the gay and
lesbian community to "stop hiding behind heterosexual privilege and come out
as gay." They are pressured by some groups to pick one gender and be
totally monogamous and by others to be rampantly promiscuous not even
considering that there are a million different ways in between that might
work for everyone involved. God has a different plan for all of us, and I
am grateful for having kept and open heart and mind as God got me through
all the suffering to a place where I am deeply at peace with myself and my
sexuality.
I can confidently say that, no matter how much ridicule I must
endure, no matter how much hate or prejudice I face from either side, I live
my truth with as much love and respect for others as I possibly can at all
times. It has taken tremendous courage and faith for me to "come out" here
on Whosoever, as a polyfidelitous bisexual with very liberal and to some,
radical beliefs, and I understand that not everyone is going to agree with
my thoughts and beliefs and ideas, nor is everyone supposed to -- God made us
all so differently. Why do I tell of my beliefs, and why am I so open about
everything, both here and among others in the Christian and the secular
worlds, even when it has led to suffering and verbal attack?
Because I know that reading about other people who love God and also
are bisexual on this magazine has brought me hope. Because I know there are
others seeking that same hope. Because I remember how loved it made me feel
when I knew I was not the only bisexual who felt the way I did, and that if
I entered into all of my relationships with honesty, integrity, and
fidelity, no matter that it is two instead of one I am faithful to, God will
bless those relationships just as God blesses those relationships between
man and woman, man and man, and woman and woman. Because I want others who
are suffering because they are afraid that their sexuality or sexual
orientation is "unnatural" that no consensual loving act of any kind is
unnatural. Because I want other LGBT people of all kinds to know that God
wants to embrace them, not change or rebuke them. Because I want them to
know that God wants them to rejoice, not suffer, because of who and what
they are and were created to be. And because this is one of the few places
I have gone where I felt comfortable fully expressing my faith and beliefs
without fear of judgment. Call it a haven I go to when I have been suffering
that is a reminder of the Living Water of the Holy Spirit, working through
the Love of other LGBT Christians, there to comfort each other during the
difficult times. I think that all of us who have suffered because of
others who are frightened that God will punish us just for being LGBT should
pray for those who have persecuted us, for it is they who are suffering, by
believing in a God of fear, instead of one of Love.
Not "if", but "when." Powerful words for those of us who may be
enduring suffering right now. When someday the church will eliminate the
final prejudice, that based on sexual orientation/sexuality. When HIV/AIDS
is cured with an injection, or a pill, and ceases to exist. When no sexual
act shared with love and respect between consenting adults is seen as
"sodomy" or "unnatural," but just wonderful examples of God's Creativity in
giving us ways to make our partners/spouses happy. When same sex marriages
are given equal credence as heterosexual marriages. When diversity is
embraced and celebrated instead of merely tolerated. For me, and my
bisexual brothers and sisters, when bisexuality is seen as an equally valid
sexual orientation, those of us who are monogamous and those of us who
choose to be committed to a person of both genders honestly can do so
without fear of persecution. And for everyone, when everyone finally sees
that God wants our Love and not our fear in return for all we have been
blessed with, and the Spirit of Christ brings us all together as one.
The concept of talking a bit about suffering is not an easy one for
me, as I know in my heart and soul that God never causes or creates
suffering, God only seeks to save us from it when we bring it upon
ourselves. God wants us to be happy, and has given us, through Christ and
through His suffering, death, and Resurrection as the Holy Spirit within all
of us open to that Love, as well as through all the joys and wonders of this
often tribulation-filled life and the gift of Love for one another, all of
the keys we need to reach that happiness. I'm sure that some of us who
identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered are all too familiar
with suffering, and it may seem that the less said about it, the better.
But I am grateful for having had this opportunity to share with all of you,
from experience, that in the times when life does present us with difficult
or trying times, it is often then that we find ourselves coming through them
with a deeper sense of God's Love than we ever had beforehand. And if we
find ourselves becoming a little weak in our faith during times of
suffering, let us not forget that all of us have had times when we felt
forsaken, only to find it was merely that old devil, fear, trying to do the
impossible and create the illusion that we are separate from God. We just
have to keep reminding ourselves that God will bring us through and make all
things better than they were beforehand, and telling ourselves, that it is
not a question of "If" God Will, but "When." And when we remain totally
focused on God and Love and all the blessings God has brought us in the
past, When comes before we know it.
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Also In This Issue:
Sexual Orientation in the Word of God
Our House
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