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I am a gay woman of faith who is feeling loneliness and longing in the
midst of a silent time.
Even in my loneliness and longing for the Spirit of Love and Life, I
know I am not alone.
Jesus felt this loneliness when kneeling in the garden and praying, "If
it is possible, let this cup pass
by me, yet not my will be done, but YOURS."
Naomi felt a sense of loss when her husband and sons died and she had to
return to Bethlehem.
"Yahweh has given witness against me and Shaddai has afflicted me."
(Ruth 1:21)
Sarah, from the book of Tobit (3:7) must have felt a longing for her
place in the world as she
married seven men and each of them died before the wedding night. She
even thought of killing
herself.
After Judith's husband died, she stayed inside her home for 3 years and
4 months. (Judith 8:4) I
imagine she was feeling lonely and longing for love.
I long to hear the voice of the Holy Spirit in my life again.
I long to see the direction of where the Creator of life and death is
leading me.
I long to feel the closeness, the presence, of Holy Love, the blessed
assurance of knowing that I am
unconditionally filled with grace.
Instead I hear the silence of the Holy One. I see no direction, I feel
no presence, no love.
How have I gotten to this point? Is it something I have done wrong?
Have I sinned so badly? Is
this silence of the Universe lasting so long because I denied the
prompting of the Holy Spirit within
me for so long? I recognize a similarity in my attitude and an attitude
present in the Bible.
Centuries ago (and sometimes today), when someone was sick, like Job, it
was seen as a punishment
from Yahweh. So the people who were sick or had leprosy while Jesus
walked the earth were seen
as sinners and were untouchable. Jesus had a different message. When
asked why the man was
born blind, if it was his own sin or the sin of his parents, the reply
was that it was neither. The
person was born blind to show the greatness and glory of the Creator.
I do not know "THE" answer. Some days when the silence is sad, I don't
even remember the
question. Silence is difficult in our society today. We are surrounded
by noise. There is always
something to do or to say. The stillness of silence can seem
unbearable. Yet our brother, Jesus,
challenges us to accept both the silence and the messages of the Holy
One.
After Jesus prayed in the garden, he was killed, but he rose from the
dead. Naomi and Ruth started
a new life. Sarah married Tobias and lived happily every after. Judith
came out of her solitude and
told the elders they needed to stop testing the Creator of Waters and
start accepting that they were
the ones being tested. Then she led her people to victory against
enormous odds. This victory, this
new life, this resurrection only came after times of silence.
We are a diverse people and the Spirit speaks to us in diverse ways.
Silence has been my teacher in
the past. She has taught me to listen for the Spirit of Life in a new
way, to use a new language.
And just like the people who have gone before me, when I have
experienced silence in the past, it
has been followed by a wonderful blessing.
The silence of God/dess is a mystery to me. When I frame my experience
with those of holy people
who have gone before me, like Sarah, Naomi, Judith and Jesus, I connect
my life with the past and I
take strength in knowing that I am not alone.
When I have the opportunity to share my journey by writing or talking,
the mystery is no longer just
a black and white, right or wrong approach. When I share truthfully, all
the colors of the rainbow get
involved. And more than just seeing the new colors, I actually feel
like I am part of the rainbow.
When I connect and take strength from the past, when I speak my truth
and am present in the moment, I find
that I cannot deny my hope for the future. The silence is not quite so
lonely and the longing seems to be less of
a curse and more of a blessing. It reminds me of the Christmas cactus.
All year long, it is silent. But when
Christmas is coming, if it has been cared for during the year, it will
burst forth with buds and blossoms. May
the Holy One make it so for all of us!
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Listening for God: A Minister's Journey Through Silence and Doubt Renita J. Weems The Silence of God: The Answer of the Buddha
Raimundo Panikkar
Also In This Issue:
Journey of Faith,
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