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During a rather difficult time in my life, when I had been praying
consistently for a broken relationship to be restored, I recall mentioning
to my rather conservative Christian father that God seemed to be responding
to my prayers with silence, as the woman who I was desperately in love with
continued to ignore my requests for an attempt at reconciling. After all, I
had done nothing to hurt her. I felt I was the one who has been wronged. He
gladly offered information about a book he was reading entitled, "Why Is God
Silent?" The information he shared, in a nutshell, was that God was silent
when we disobey God, which he then turned into proselytizing to me,
telling me that since I did not take the Bible literally (especially my
thoughts that homosexuality and bisexuality are not sinful-and my support of
LGBT rights-which he thought was the indication that I was not really a
"real" Christian yet) that perhaps God was "holding out" on me until I
"straightened up and flew right". (For the record, I was not out to my
father as bisexual and still am not to this day, for obvious reasons.)
This depressed me for quite some time, yet at that time in my life
I was very young in my faith -- more of a seeker than an actual believer. It
took me a long time and the harsh ending of the hopes for restoring that
relationship as it had been to understand that God was not being silent at
all, it was me who was not listening to God. And God did not reveal the
whole picture at that time either, for if God had, I would probably have
dismissed it, thinking it was far too good to be true. For there was a
different future God had in mind for me, one that was far better than the
one my small and unenlightened mind had conceived. You see, I was hoping
for a relationship where another person made me feel loved, whole and
secure, instead of looking to God to help me feel those things first.
I was settling for a relationship where I could be loved, but at the
cost of my own soul, my real being -- the person God made me to be. I was
living as a monogamous heterosexual when in reality what I wanted was to
have a special woman and a special man in my life. I was settling for
silencing my feelings instead of giving them a voice. I was settling for
belief in the God of rules, restrictions, and punishments I felt I had to
believe in instead of the God of Love I knew was real in my heart and soul.
Most of all, I was settling for less than God wanted me to have. And even
though I still love the girl, I have understood that God may have a
different path in mind for her as well. Will she and I cross paths again?
I cannot say. All I can do is accept the fact that although relationships
end, love never does. That we can hold on to. People sometimes do part and
go their separate ways, not because one is right and the other wrong, they
are just on different paths that intersected for a brief time. I am just
grateful now for the love we did share and wish her the best. I am
convinced that the reason we did not get together then is not because God
was refusing to answer my prayers, but that I had some growing to do that
God knew would be of more importance, and when I began focusing on that, and
praying for my own strength and spiritual growth, I was suddenly overwhelmed
by God's Presence in my life.
I don't believe for one moment that God is ever silent. I truly, in
my heart of hearts, believe that it is we who are simply not listening to
what God is telling us, in such a myriad of wonderful and unexpected ways,
mostly because the Love, mercy, forgiveness, acceptance, and Grace seems far
too good to be true for us. I cannot speak for everyone, just as I cannot
speak for the whole bisexual community or Christian LGBT community, but I
can attest to that being the case for me. If you had asked me ten years ago
if I thought God would love and accept me as a bisexual who has honest
relationships with both a woman and a man simultaneously, or if you had told
me I'd be writing about my experiences as a bisexual and a Christian for a
Christian magazine, I would have laughed in your face. Now I thank God everyday for
making me this way, and God is where I seek my guidance. But God
was there even through my worst and darkest times, even when I did not
acknowledge God's Presence (as if there actually WAS a way to be out of
God's Presence). I just did not listen. I let that old demon called fear
interfere with the messages of Love God was sending me. Looking back now,
they make sense, but at the time I had no idea God, the God that Jesus taught
of in the Bible, was speaking to me.
First of all, a lot of it may have to do with exactly how we
feel that God communicates. Most of us, even the most conservative scholars
would agree that the average human being is going to walk down the street
tomorrow and walk around the corner right into a burning bush that talks to
us or hear a booming voice from the clouds (and if we did, and they related
the story to us, we could quickly have them arrested as a lunatic!) But
experience has taught me that there ARE burning bushes and voices from
Heaven and visits from angels that we can experience on a daily basis if we
cease being so literal about them. For just as the eternal message of the
Bible and Christ can be interpreted metaphorically and gain a strength
greater than it carries at the literal level, so can the way we understand
God's Way of communicating with us individually.
As supportive and loving friends would call me and ask how I
was and if there was anything they could do to help me feel better during
times of need, I would lament to them how "God does not care. God has
forgotten me," when God was caring for me right there through the care and
support of those who loved me. And all those years that I lived a life in
the closet, refusing to allow myself to come out as a bisexual who had a lot
of different and unique perspectives about God and love and life, God was
constantly sending lots of messages that I ignored. The first girlfriend I
ever had who would have embraced me and supported me had I actually come out
as bisexual to her (she knew, and so did I, but at that point it was just
like God and Christianity was in my life -- I knew I believed in God, I just
never talked about it or did anything to acknowledge my faith. My mind was
far too busy remembering an angry God from my Southern Baptist childhood.)
For months, this caring and loving woman encouraged me to let go of my
fears, to accept the Holy Spirit, and to come out as bisexual. She
understood, cared, and accepted me as such and I know now that God was
speaking to me through her love. I did not listen. (And years later, after I
HAD come out as bisexual and met a bisexual woman who wanted to give me all
the love I was seeking in an unrequited relationship, I said "no" to God's
Grace again, believing foolishly that being loved unconditionally was
"TGTBT"-"Too Good To Be True." Thank God I have grown since then!) I clung
to my fears and worries, afraid God would never love the "real" me, instead
denying God altogether and choosing alcohol to numb my pain. But God was
planting seeds then, and years later when I finally did accept God, this
liberal Christian woman and the Loving God and Loving Jesus Who "loved me no
matter what my sexuality was" she spoke of would be the catalyst on drunken
Christmas Eve when I held on to that tiny mustard seed of faith that was in
my heart as I prayed for God to Love me just as I was.
I had friends who belonged to other more accepting
churches, other denominations who taught of a Loving Christ and a Loving
God, who pleaded with me not to give up on Christianity or church just
because one was non-accepting. One close friend would constantly give me
pamphlets about every open-minded church he knew of, from Lutheran to
Presbyterian to Episcopal and when I was in some way worried about hell fire
talk from those, he said, at least try a Unitarian Church. But no -- I was
finished with God then. God was not finished with ME however, and was with
me, carrying me the whole way. Even though I kept a closed heart to God
for thirteen years, never once did God become silent on me. I just didn't
believe God could love a bisexual "freak" and "pervert" like everyone said
people like me were. God's Love is like that -- it is beyond any human concept
of Love acceptance or tolerance that we can conceive. I am certain of that.
When I was throwing up my hands in despair over how I was going to
sustain a relationship with both a woman and a man, God brought me all sorts
of wonderful and accepting people who had done so, and done so with honesty,
and integrity. When I was worried and concerned, I would "just happen" upon
an article, or a website, or a comment from a friend that dispelled the fear
I was holding, regardless of what the issue was. Whenever I would feel
alone or depressed for being criticized for my sexuality, God had this way
of a friend calling or visiting at the very moment I felt my darkest, or my
finding a book or a resource where I found a new and positive insight. Now
in the past, I may have seen this as "luck" or "coincidence". But I do not
believe in "luck" or "good fortune" any more. I only believe in God's Grace
and Love. And God always, I have found, if we hold fast to our dreams and
hopes with faith and hold on with Love for God Who gave us those dreams and
desires, as well as Love for all the rest of God's Children to the best of
our ability, will give us blessings to work with -- situations if we are only
alert and aware and truly BELIEVE these blessings are God's Will for us. We
haven't open our eyes to the visions of Truth God has for us, as the old hymn
says.
I've said it before and I'll say it again -- we can only do our best
and let God do the rest. But we have a part to play, too, by listening to the
blessings when they come, and being prepared, for we never know exactly when
the Kingdom will come for us. Or how. And if we are not careful, we can
let them slip by in the false belief that we are not deserving of all God's
Love, or the delusion that our dreams are too grand and wonderful even for
God. I agree with Norman Vincent Peale to "Dream big!" I agree too with a man I
feel is his modern-day counterparts, Neale Donald Walsch. He says we know that the messages we receive in our lives are from God when: They are
always the highest thought, the grandest feeling and the clearest word; the
highest thought being one that contains joy, the clearest word being one
that contains truth, and the grandest feeling always being the feeling of
Love. We should always ask ourselves, "What would Love do now," and "What would
Jesus do?" when faced with people in our lives who seem to want to crash our
dreams to the ground.
I think I agree that "faith without works" can, depending on how one
interprets that, be settling for less than everything God wants to bless us
with. I cannot count the times I have discovered support and blessings
simply by doing Christ's ministry of Love for my neighbor and kindness to
all God's children. The bisexual support group that led me out of a growing
pit of despair as I was finding no support to speak of from the gay or
heterosexual communities was discovered by me as I was doing volunteer work
for an AIDS Services Agency. The first client I had as a volunteer
emotional support counselor was a bisexual man with AIDS who had contracted
AIDS through a blood transfusion and who understood what it was to be
attracted to women and men. When I was in places waiting for patients I had
driven to doctors appointments, I discovered positive resources in the books
and magazines I read while I would wait for them. This I know -- God never
ever leaves us, even when we doubt. Especially when we doubt.
Some may feel that God has abandoned them when they seem to have
difficulty after difficulty while others, even those who act in less than
loving ways towards others, prosper. There's something to be said, at least
from my perspective, about that comment in the Bible about God's rain falling
on both the just and the unjust, the righteous and the wicked; as if to
state plainly and clearly, it does not matter how good or bad we are,
sometimes, well, bad things happen. But God will carry us through, as the
footprints poem says, and through it all the things that truly matter, such
as who we are, never change. They only grow stronger, as we too grow, at
least in my experience. Besides, I don't feel that God gave us the
teachings of Christ to punish us if we don't quite make the mark on them all
the time. God, to me, is much too big to have the need to amuse Him/Herself
by demanding our obedience to a specific doctrine. I feel confident that
Jesus' teachings are not from an angry father or parent amusing
Himself/Herself with arbitrary rules for His/Her amusement and demanding obedience, but guidelines for a happy life from a Loving Creator who wants us
to have the best life possible. For if we follow the Great Commandment,
even if it does not seem to be the easiest thing to do (and often especially
so if we perceive that God is not listening or responding), in the long run
I have seen that we find that it always serves us while serving God
simultaneously.
I think the most important way that we can stay aware of God's
Omnipresence in our life is to practice gratitude. I so whole-heartedly
agree with Meister Eckhart's sentiment, "If the only prayer you ever say in
your life is "Thank You", that will be sufficient" but I also agree with
putting it into practice. And the way I do this is by keeping a "gratitude
journal". You don't have to buy a fancy one-just keep a notebook and every
day, think of five things, five special things that happened, that made you
happy. It might be that supportive phone call or compliment a friend shared
with you, a hug your partner/spouse gave you, or just hearing a song on the
radio you liked driving home from work. All of these, all things that make
us happy, are signs of God's Love for us.
We often forget, when things seem bleak, that God has created so
many wonderful things to bring us peace, and there is no better way to
remember this than keeping a record of them. I think that what Jesus was
communicating when He said, "Those who have an abundance more will be given
to them, and those who have nothing will have that taken from them," was that
if we are constantly aware and grateful for all the goodness in our lives,
we will continue to seek and discover many blessings we may have previously
taken for granted. But if we feel as if we have nothing and that God has
given us nothing, then that will be our perception. For, in my opinion,
knowing that God created everything and is the center of everything that
makes me happy and brings me joy. If I fall into the delusion that I could
lose God, I have lost it all. The way I always try to give thanks is not
by sitting for prayer for hours, but by doing loving things to help others.
The greatest gift we can offer to God in prayer is our loving actions for
another.
Another reason we might perceive God as being silent, is that we are
"looking for God in all the wrong places." Yet I have been in the places
where "God is supposed to be" such as certain churches and religious groups
and felt very distant from God, and been in places that are supposedly
"un-Godly" (as if any place could be un-Godly) and felt closer to God's Love
than anywhere else. I attended a lot of very spiritually lively churches in
my childhood, and although the preacher talked a lot about the Bible, and this verse and that, I quite often came away feeling
very spiritually empty. I felt fear of a God that wanted to punish me for
every little mistake I made, and I was too busy asking to be forgiven to
even think of asking God for help with anything. Yet the first time I
attended church thirteen years later, I began to look for God in the details
and all the little corners of life, and especially in the hearts and loving
actions of those who surrounded me. I found God in the loving words of a
therapist who helped me to come out as a bisexual and accept myself, who
counseled with me and supported me. I found God in a church that did not
judge me based on my sexuality but accepted me as a child of God. I found
God in a room of supportive bisexual men and women who had been able to come
out to their girl/boyfriend or spouse and find acceptance, and who had found
ways to have an honest relationship with a same sex partner as well that was
loving and caring instead of deceitful, hurtful, and exploitative. I found
God in the tender relationship I had with a bisexual woman and a bisexual
man. I found God in the books and articles and resources that showed me
that maybe the religious right was not so right after all. And I found God
in other Christians, who had been through the same things I had been
through. And this all came to me when I finally realized that there really
is no place where God is not. There's a great story about a minister who
asks a student, "I'll give you an orange if you can tell me where God is,"
only to have the boy say, "I'll give you TWO oranges if you tell me where
God is NOT!"
I practically kicked myself when one day I had been lamenting about
how I was having to deal with so much harassment for my being bisexual,
poly-fidelitous, and very socially liberal and then all the sudden I found
myself without a car and stuck at home for a few months. And I looked
around at my house and saw, on the bookshelves filled with books I had
found, in the email and internet resources I had, in all the supportive
friends that I have, and in all the friends who reached out to me, a wealth
of blessings God had given me to overcome all these obstacles. All I
needed, God had guided me to. I was the one letting others get the best of
me instead of turning inward to God and seeing all the things God had
already given me. So sometimes, we get the false perception that God is
silent because we are not taking a deep breath and trusting that God is
there, and taking the time to reflect on all the resources that God has
already given us and is just waiting for us to utilize. Sometimes a good
prayer is just asking God to remind us of all the love and blessings we have
and asking for guidance in how to use them to accomplish the goals we are
seeking to accomplish, to help us to trust even when it seems like God is
not there, and to open our eyes that we might see the blessings and
opportunities that God sends us all the time, not allowing our fears and
false sense of low self worth we occasionally allow to cloud the picture to
obscure the rays of hope shining in-the ones that we all too often find have
been there all along.
We who are LGBT might feel that God is silent because of fears we
have picked up from old and limiting beliefs about a God who despises us
for possessing a sexual orientation or sexuality that is in the eyes of
some, "Biblically incorrect." But those are the beliefs of other human
beings, not of God, and Jesus had very little to say about sexuality. I
think He was far more concerned with our spiritual behavior than our
sexuality. I'm sure He would want those of us who are LGBT to always act
lovingly, regardless of who we love, (or in the case of myself and some
other bisexuals, the ones that we are committed to), with honesty even when
it seems scarier than the painful consequences of dishonesty, and with love
and respect for all the rest of God's children even when they may not show
us the same consideration.
It has been a major healing miracle for me in
recent months, when after being berated and criticized for being who I am, I
suddenly, while praying, had a vision of Jesus and I sitting together by a
mountain stream, with water as clear as the feeling I had at that moment:
I could almost imagine what His voice would sound like, but I felt a
feeling instead: That it didn't matter how many fundamentalists or
conservative Christians or anyone else told me I was wrong, or inadequate,
or going to burn in hell, or fail because I am bisexual, poly-fidelitous,
and liberal, God loves me and supports me just as I am. As long as I
love God, the source of all of our joy first, and put my Love for God and
neighbor first, and do the best I can to walk my talk, God will be there
for me and help me to achieve the desires of my heart and soul, and help me
to be so at peace that no words of discouragement or judgment from another
can hurt me. God created me, and others, with our own unique sexuality. I know in my heart that all sexuality is a sacred gift of God
and that it is something to be grateful for and not ashamed of. Whatever
your sexuality is it is, in the end, between you and God, not you and your
parents or your peers or the religious right. I know God gave me my
bisexuality and my ability to love both women and men as a gift. One
of the ways I show my thanks is helping other LGBT people find peace and
acceptance and hope. The real devil I see so many suffer from is the demon
of fear, but like the monsters in so many children's stories. If we cease
to give it power and become aware that when God is with us, no fear can
ever hold power over us again. Fear dissolves in a brilliant blaze of God's
Eternal, Unconditional and Unfailing Love.
Another reason why we may feel as if our prayers are unanswered is
simply because what we are praying for may be in conflict with God's Will
for another human being. I wholeheartedly believe that whatever it is that
we hold as our heart's desire, God will gladly give us all the tools,
strength, and opportunity (which we must in turn remain awake and aware for,
expecting the unexpected and expecting miracles even when it seems
impossible, especially when it seems impossible-we never know when that time
will come) to achieve it. But I know that in my own experience, I have
occasionally prayed in such a way that was a bit selfish in that it imposed
my own will on someone else's life, rather than what it was they wanted and
the plan God had for their life. This is especially true in the case of
relationships. For I believe that we pray for God to "make someone stay
with us" even if the relationship is not making them happy and they find
themselves off on another path, or if we are trying to "make" another love
us or change to be who we would desire them to be instead of the person God
made them to be and the person they are happy being, we end up hurting that
other person and also ourselves. As I said earlier, when I was praying for
a relationship to be restored, what I needed to be praying for was the
strength to be who God made me to be and find someone who would love me for
who I really was. When I began praying for personal guidance and growth,
and attaining goals that would help me to be stronger in myself and
therefore a more pleasant person to others, I heard God loudly and clearly.
Just from being silent, turning within, and listening to my heart.
Or perhaps it is simply because, we have not yet seen the plan God
has for us. What seems to initially be a failure can turn around and be the
fulfillment of a dream and a longing we never before thought possible,
because we were putting limits on God's Love and Grace-that "TGTBT (Too Good
To Be True)" disease. Jesus alluded several times in His ministry that
there were things that would be revealed at a later time, and folds that we
did not yet know of. As it is with our own lives. Little pieces and bits
and snippets of life, that did not seem to make sense to us at all at one
time, can often be seen later with greater clarity.
I will never forget something my Minister shared with me, when I
told him that I felt in my heart that it was God's Will that my
relationship be restored. He responded, "Well, I don't know. It very well
COULD be God's Will, but the question is not whether or not it is God's
Will, but whether or not this girl wants it to happen. God does not force a
person to do something, or make them do something, even if God wants it to
happen as much as you do, for we are all created with free will." That
changed my entire outlook on things. Now I firmly believe that the only
thing we in this life will ever have control over is who we are, how we
feel, and how we choose to deal with life. To me if we attempt to coerce
another or emotionally or spiritually manipulate another in order to reach
one of our goals, we can end up hurting everyone. The chaos that ensues
could very well create the temporary illusion that God has left us to fend
for ourselves! Not so. Honesty and love and letting go and letting God can
fix a situation like that. I assure you that God will care for you, even if
it seems as God is silent.
God, to me, presents us with a jigsaw puzzle that comprises who and
what we are, and it is part of our life's work to discover how all of the
pieces fit together. We can choose to be angry, overturn the table and
scatter the pieces everywhere in frustration, or we can take each one and
patiently and carefully put together with love, growing more excited as the
full picture comes into view. But the puzzle is only 1% of this equation.
How we choose to look at it is 99% of the battle. If we trust in God even
when it seems like we're never going to make the pieces fit, trust in "the
evidence of things not seen" and in the Truth Jesus gave us about being able
to accomplish what may seem impossible with just a tiny mustard seed's worth
of faith, and in a God that Loves us and created us the way we are for a
good reason, we can catch a glimpse of how it all comes together. We'll know
that somehow it all will, even when none of the pieces seem to come together
and it looks like God has played a trick on us. But let me tell you, God
does not play tricks. Sense of humor? Definitely. A prankster? Never.
Whenever we put God first, and "seek God first" there are always a lot
of wonderful surprises as well. As mentioned earlier, I found resources for
support while doing volunteer work. I found my first support for
bisexuality as a real sexual orientation and not a "phase" in a UCC church.
The therapist who helped me to come out was one I called because I had been
praying about how I was going to reconcile my spirituality and sexuality and
I "ran across" the ad she had that said, "It could be the answer to your
prayers." While seeking the Internet for sites where liberal minded
Christians would communicate I found a wonderful website on poly-fidelity
where bisexuals were welcome and was freed from a lot of concerns I was
having at the time and led to people who really were angels in my personal
growth. While searching bisexual websites, I landed here at Whosoever,
which has always been such a blessing to me. I have to confess that last
issue when I wrote about the discrimination I had received as a bisexual, I
had been feeling a little bit like Job. I was even beginning, at times, to
let anxiety get the best of me. It wasn't that I believed God was silent, I
was allowing others and my own fear to get the best of me, and began t feel
as if God was not saying "no" to my prayers for others to understand and
accept me, but rather, "Not yet" when I was begin to feel pretty bad. But I
continued on, doing what I love, writing about how I still love God even
when I feel discriminated against and alone. And I kept on loving God even
in the times when I became anxious, focusing instead on all the joy God has
already given me in this life. Then suddenly, when I least expected it,
peace came over me, and I was no longer bothered by the hateful and
thoughtless remarks that others had made, because I knew God was there with
me, and loved me even when I had allowed others to make me feel a little
unlovable.
I truly believe that no matter who you are, whether you are a
bisexual man or woman, a gay man, a lesbian woman, a transgendered person,
or a heterosexual man or woman, whether you are liberal or conservative,
whether you are monogamous or poly-fidelitous, no matter what you have been
through or how distant you have ever felt from God or even if you have been
angry at God all your life, whether you attend church or worship alone-no
matter what, God Loves You as you are and wants to fill your heart with joy,
hope, peace and love. And even in my times of fearing that God was not
listening only to find out later that it was me who just thought the message
I was hearing was too good to be true. God was with me, and will be with you always, too. If you are reading this, know that God has something to say to
you, like, "I Love You, you are my special and precious child, and I want you
to know My love forever." The Loving Spirit of Christ is just waiting to
fill you with this Truth forever. I only say this as the knowledge has come
to me, even more deeply than ever recently; it is too good of a feeling not
to want to share with you too. Listen! You can hear God's Love in every
breath, in every heartbeat, in every loving thought that you have ever had.
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A Cry of Absence : Reflections for the Winter of the Heart Martin E. Marty Living in the Presence : Spiritual Exercises to Open Our Lives to the Awareness of God Tilden Edwards
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