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One of the Bible verses that has often made so much sense to
me is one of Paul's. I can honestly say that while I do not agree
with many of the statements attributed to Paul, his views on
salvation, love, the nature of Christ, and the Love of God seem to
be right on. The verse that has meant a lot to me in my own personal
faith journey has not been the one about "all are one in Christ
Jesus" or the one about "Faith Hope and Love," though those have
played a key part in my spiritual growth and wellness. The one that
has been the best possible description of my faith journey, as well
as that of many others, not only many of us in the LGBT Community
but those outside it as well, has been , "work out your own
salvation with fear and trembling." For myself, an openly bisexual,
polyfidelitous man who is also a Christian very seriously committed
to following the loving teachings of Jesus, it has been the catch
phrase at times. That road to salvation can be a rough and rocky
one, but standing where I do now, having weathered that storm, one I
could never have made it through without God's Help, I say to all,
it is a road worth traveling, and that once one arrives at the
destination it leads to, any rough places along the way suddenly
appear to be speed bumps rather than the major hurdles they seemed to
represent along the journey as we were navigating through them.
Those familiar with my writing may be well aware that I fall
into the liberal category of Christian thinking. I do not see the
Bible as literally true, but I definitely believe God is within the
pages of the Bible, that it represents the human need and journey to
understand God. I believe the Bible tells the story of how a people of faith
long before us were radically transformed by a socially liberal,
human yet truly Divine, and uncommonly loving human being named Jesus
Christ. He who showed us through His life and death and ultimate
resurrection as the Holy Spirit that through our faith in God and
goodness of heart, anything we dream is possible. He showed us
the way our Creator would ask us to live -- with love and respect for
all others. Prophet, psychologist, liberator, social activist,
spiritual leader -- I feel that he was all these things in addition to
Lord and Saviour to all humankind. I believe that if the Religious
Right were there to experience His ministry of healing, they might
very well be appalled at His unconditional Love and inclusiveness,
amazed that the head of the church they represent expressed no
condemnation for all human beings who come to Him, regardless of
their sexual orientation. All He requires, and all God requires, in
my faith, is an honest, loving, caring, open, compassionate heart,
and a sincere willingness to show our gratitude for God's abundance
of Love through Love for our fellow persons.
I was not always as free and happy as I am right now, and
getting to this point is something I could never have done without
God's Help and all the human angels God sent me as answers to my
prayers. I was never able to accept myself as God Created me, as a
bisexual, until I accepted God into my heart and made a commitment to
Christ to always do my best to be a loving human being. What a
long, strange trip that has been -- one filled with joy and tears,
sorrow and happiness, fear and wonder, and faith, hope and love-all
the good stuff that the best Bible stories are made of!
I will spare everyone reading the depressing details of the
psychological abuse I went through, and how I suffered because of the
things I did say and deep inside how I suffered because of the things I
didn't. I am sure that all of us have our fair share of stories about how
we struggled for self acceptance, only to find out later that it was there
all along if we would only be still and know, and listen to the "still
small voice" of God in our hearts and imprinted on our souls. For me to
write down my faith journey in one article is something I have attempted
to do before, yet have found myself writing and writing to the point
where I have finally come to the understanding that it will eventually be
a book I will write. But I will try to capture, after having tried all
night now, the essence of how I know God is with me, even when some others
say that I should not even call myself a Christian.
God has this way of reaching out to us that I still to this day am
amazed by, in wonderful if often mysterious ways, ways we never could have
imagined. A shred of wisdom I have learned and that I have passed on to
those who feel discouraged and have all but given up on God is to "take all
the things you were taught about an angry God and a literal Bible and put
them aside, and begin with Jesus." That is what I had to do. I can
honestly say that God has walked with me every step of the way through
going from living a miserable and closeted lie of a life as an abuser of
alcohol and a repressed and angry soul to living my truth as a bisexual, a
Christian, and a loving human being who has learned to love himself and
others as God's Creation. And unlike some, who were loyal to their church
and religion and later had to deal with the seemingly irreconcilable gap
between their spirituality and sexuality, I was not able to be honest with
myself until I was honest with God.
Before I was really honest with God, I was deep in the throes
of emotional pain and suffering over a broken relationship. I had gotten
to the point of desperation so deep that I had gotten involved not only
with someone who claimed to be psychic but also with fundamentalism for the
second and final time of my life. I was blaming all of the things in life that I
could not handle, the actions of others who I cared about that hurt me, on
"the devil". I was trying to "change." I became convinced that I
was "evil" and that my sexual orientation was a symptom of "possession." I
felt as if, when I said the prayer for God to "heal" me, I was
committing the greatest sin I could ever commit in my entire life. It felt,
inside, as if I were slapping God in the face and saying, "I'm defective.
Why did you make me like this?" That felt very wrong in my heart and
soul. And it was a prayer that I thank God daily for not answering,
because from my soul it was not an honest one. It was a prayer I said
because I felt I had no other choice, and God in my experience can see
inside us and past the veil of fear we often let surround us, into our
souls where the truth about who we were made to be resides, and see past
those fears. In my case, what I really longed for was the love and
acceptance I had never ever really had, and that is what God gave to me
instead.
I recall a few days later having a very bad experience with the
fundamentalist prayer line I had called for support and then severing
my ties with them. Yet a few days later, they sent another pledge card in
the mail, and with it a promise that if it were mailed in (with an optional
donation) by a certain date, my prayer would be answered. But at the same
time, God had been whispering a new song in my heart, a song that was
getting louder and one that I could not resist singing along with for too
much longer. I kept hearing God in my heart saying to me that who I was was
not an abomination, but that the person I was trying to "change" into was the
real abomination, and that I needed to find a church where I would be loved
and accepted as who God made me. "Coincidentally" I had been doing some
research and finding out a lot more about a denomination that was not only
accepting of bisexuals, but also ordained gay, lesbian, bisexual and
transgendered people. I had read a book by one of their more liberal
pastors whose spirituality was closer to what my heart really believed, and
I had written down the address. It was the last possible night to mail in
my "prayer request" (which was to get my relationship restored) in time,
and continue following their path of fear and supporting their homophobia,
or find a church where I could develop a real relationship with God. I
decided that on my way to mail the card I would drive by and see the church
I had been thinking of visiting. When I saw the marquee on the church, I
decided not to mail the card: it read, "Don't Give Up-Give in to God." I
visited the church the following Sunday, and was confirmed in a formal
confirmation ceremony one month later.
In church I asked God, "What can I
do for You?" and the answer I received was one that remains in my heart:
"Reach those who might not otherwise be reached with the True message of My
Child Jesus: That of My Unconditional Love of every soul, forever."
Another "coincidence" that occurred as I was in the process of finally
"coming out" to myself as bisexual was a true blessing: I saw an
advertisement for a therapist who specialized in issues relating to
"psychological religious abuse" and sexuality/sexual orientation issues,
something I had prayed for guidance with. The ad read, "It could be the
answer to your prayers." She ended up being the therapist who not only
helped me past the repression of my bisexuality but also helped me past my
repressive religious upbringing as a Southern Baptist, and guided me to a
support group for bisexual men and women. My cable was shut off and I was
without television and ended up joining a book club-one that seemed to have
just the positive books on spirituality, healing and sexuality I needed to
educate myself better. I also finally bought a new Bible and began
reading it with heart, focusing on Jesus as the center of my faith. Life
was getting better every day, and I was feeling wonderful.
Then all hell broke loose.
I totaled my car, the girl I was still in love with took off and
ran away with her boyfriend and trashed the house we had once lived in,
leaving me with a mountain of bills and an unfinished lease, (which really
surprised the psychic, who slipped and exposed her fraudulence to me in a
moment of error-not that I was not already aware of that). I had to move,
I lost my job and was unemployed for a long time, and incurred many large
credit bills, not to mention the thousands the psychic and the girl had
cost me. I had panic attacks left and right, and it was a very trying
time. But God guided me. While I was
unemployed, I did volunteer work for my new church (which was even more
inclusive and accepting than the other. They have a saying: "We do not
tolerate diversity here, we affirm and celebrate it!") and donated my time
at a non-profit agency for those with HIV/AIDS, where I made friends with
many wonderful people and found true pleasure in helping others, as I
worked out my salvation, praying daily, reading and learning and talking
with others, and working with my therapist. I began to attend a Bible
study group and there I met another bisexual Christian, in a group designed
for LGBT Christians. It was only after that healing few months that I
was able to smile, look in the mirror, and say, "I am a bisexual, God made
me this way and has a special plan for my life. He loves me just the way I
am." That was one of the most wonderful moments in my entire life so far,
and I will never forget the feeling of peace that washed over me as I sat
there at that stoplight on my way home from church.
My therapist and my Minister guided me through the often difficult
waters of overcoming the repressive Christianity of my childhood. I began
dating again for the first time in several years and met a wonderful woman
and a wonderful man. Though these relationships did not turn out to be
lasting ones, they still brought me happiness and peace that I had not known
before I had known God's Love. My therapist urged me towards finding the
support I needed, to a place where I would make new friends and feel
accepted. I did not feel totally "at home" in the gay community, as many did
not see bisexuality as "real", nor in the heterosexual community, where no
one understood either. As I was doing volunteer work, I discovered a flyer
for what I had been looking for: "Bisexual Support". It was then that I
began to attend discussion and support groups and was so joyfully blessed to
find people who were like me that it brought tears to my eyes. As I was
driving back from a weekend conference where I had met hundreds of other
bisexual men and women, and several who were Christians, I cried tears of
joy, and though I heard no external voice, that "still small Voice" seemed
to say, "I love you". I began to meet others who had successful
relationships and marriages, and discovered that there were others like me
who held a loving polyfidelitous relationship with a man and a woman as an
ideal. But most of all, I felt love and support and acceptance, and an
overwhelming desire to help others feel the same thing. I felt the desire to let others
who are struggling know that God is there for them and there to help them,
if they would only open their hearts to the loving teachings of Jesus and
the Great Commandment, the Golden Rule, to show our thanks and Love for God
through being loving to all of God's Children.
There was one other moment when I felt the greatest liberation of
all. I had written what would be my first column for this magazine. I had been doing a lot of writing. Ever since the terrible
murder of Matthew Shepard I have felt an even greater need to share my faith
with everyone and God has gifted me with a talent for expressing my
thoughts and articulating my feelings through my writing. As it was time
for the article to go online, I had originally decided to put it under a
pseudonym but at the very last minute I knew that this was wrong. It was
time to come out to the world and let everyone know who I am and that God
does not ever want me to be ashamed of who I am. I felt such a peace wash
over me, not unlike the peace I felt when I came out to my Mother, who is so
loving and accepting, and when I came out to others. Now I not only am
grateful for the opportunity to share my faith here, but I also write a
monthly column for the local bisexual community newsletter from a Christian
perspective and also for my church newsletter, and am currently heading a bi
support organization in my home town, trying to help others find love and
acceptance and hope. I'm always searching for ways to let every soul know
that they are loved by God. I have been labeled by quite a few a "liberal
Christian Evangelist". But my faith is sometimes tested by those who may
not understand me, or have experienced life as I have.
Just as many conservative Christians see my bisexuality as a
"mental illness", many gays and lesbians see my bisexuality as a
"cop-out", and either label me as a homosexual man afraid to come out of
the closet, or a confused heterosexual who likes to "live on the edge".
Some who accept my bisexuality question the morality of my living in
polyfidelitous relationships. But in my heart I know that the truth is
that I have an equal attraction to women and men, and the need to have a
loving, committed relationship with a man and a woman. Some bisexuals
live a celibate life, some choose monogamy with one woman or one man,
some realize that bisexuality is simply the potential for being attracted
to and intimate with both genders, and others, like myself, choose
polyfidelity -- having an honest, loving, and committed relationship with
both a woman and a man. It is a way to express the truth of my being
without creating brokenness. Still others have other styles of
relationships. To me what is most important is ensuring that any
relationship entered into is loving and caring. I personally feel that
what is right for a person is between them and God, and for someone to
demand that a bisexual person choose a man or a woman is equally as
unfair as a conservative Christian telling a homosexual that it is okay
if they are gay or lesbian, so long as they never act upon their same-sex
feelings. I feel that a better statement would be to encourage them to
act upon their feelings, but do so with love and respect for others. I am
certain that much of the concern is borne of the fact that the Christian
church, over the years, has attacked human sexuality, due to the intense
happiness that can be experienced on a spiritual level under the right
conditions and the intense pain that can be inflicted emotionally under
the wrong ones. But my faith tells me that no consensual and mutual
sexual act is a sin against God, rather, it is the conditions under which
we express our sexuality that renders it a positive experience of growth
or a destructive instrument of brokenness.
Were it not for God's Amazing Grace, I would know nothing of the
joys I have been blessed with finding in such relationships, or the
wonderful friendships I have been blessed with, or the abundance of joy
I know now in my life. For it was God that led me, a brokenhearted and
suicidal wreck, to a church and denomination where I discovered for the
first time in my life what Jesus was really all about -- liberating the human spirit from oppressive rules created by
other humans and encouraging all of us to know we are not distant from
God, but that in fact God is as close as our next breath or beat of our
heart. It was God that led me to a loving and caring therapist who
assisted me in the process of embracing my sexuality as a gift from God
rather than a dirty secret to be ashamed of, and helped me to find a
supportive organization for other bisexuals. It was God that led
me, frightened to death that I would have to choose between a committed
relationship with one man or one woman where part of my being would
remain unfulfilled, to discover that there really was a way that I
could maintain a loving and committed relationship with both, and even
finding support and fellowship with other Christians who had done so,
and who lived happy lives.
It was almost if, when I would pray to God, from the depths of my
heart saying, "This is who I am and I do not want to give up part of who
I am, yet I seek to follow the guideline of Christ to fulfill the dreams
I have in life in a way that is loving and respectful of all others.
Please help me God. I know You have the right answer," everything that I
needed would fall right into my lap. It is my
experience that God will give us everything we could ever want or
need and more, if we are willing to ask with a pure heart and in Jesus'
name and not
merely by saying or asking things of God in vain repetition.
Asking something in Jesus' name, to me, is not making a request
of God and tacking on words about Jesus. It is not something we can
put into words, rather it is something we must live. It means not only
knowing as Jesus did that God will always come through for us in our
time of need, but doing the best we can to embody God's Love as
demonstrated through Jesus as we ask God to guide us towards that which
will make us whole, happy, and fulfilled and a blessing to all the rest
of God's Children. To me it means putting Love for our fellow
human being as top priority, trusting that God will provide anything
that we need along the way. I have experienced this in my own life.
Whenever I have attempted to accomplish something without putting my
faith in God, I have not found the success or fulfillment I was
seeking. But with God in my life and heart, I have found peace in all
that I do.
Other Christians question the fact that I am respectful of the
spiritual paths chosen by others, such as Judaism, Buddhism, or Hindu. I
believe that all paths do lead to God. Yet I still feel that unless a
person is willing to listen to what Jesus had to say about God and take
it to heart, that no spiritual path will be as ultimately fulfilling as
it could be. We must learn to know God as intimately as Jesus did, as Loving
Creator, Who Loves us and wants nothing more than our happiness and well
being, Who Loves us with an unconditional Love and seeks to help all of
us turn swords into plowshares, fear into faith, despair into hope. My
moral absolute is the Commandment Jesus gave us to show our thanks to God
for all we have by being as loving as we can all the time to all the rest
of God's Children. Yet I have found God deep at the spiritual heart of
other religions. It was through the startling similarities in world
religions that I began to see just how True Jesus' teachings were, that
He spoke a Truth about God and why we are here that resides at the heart
of other faiths. God wants us to be loving to all others, and to live in
peace and harmony with God and each other. That is Heaven, in my
opinion.
So, as it is for me, some of these things may be true for some of
you reading this. My only desire in sharing is to possibly give hope to
others who may be struggling and in need of a comforting word. But let
me assure you, if you are loving and pure in heart, and willing to do
the best you can in all that you do, I have found it resoundingly true
that God will hear the longing of your heart, even when you may have
lost contact with it yourself. God will grant you your heart's desire,
if you believe and do your part, too, my Mother always says. As you
begin or continue on your own personal faith journey, I would remind you
never to underestimate God's Love, or Grace, for all things are possible
for the one who believes. God quite often, and very pleasantly,
surprises us in wonderful and mysterious ways human beings don't even
imagine are possible. That is one of the best things about an
intimate relationship with our Creator -- knowing that no matter what we
are going through, God will always come through for us. All we have to
do is pray listen and believe.
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From Queer to Eternity : Spirituality in the Lives of Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual People Peter Sweasey
Gary David Comstock
Other Articles by John H. Campbell:
Also In This Issue:
Out With a Passion: An Interview with Richard Rossiter
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