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There is a spirit of sadness rampant in the community of black
gay/homosexual/same-gender-loving men. It can be recognized underneath the
many beautiful faces and wonderfully sculpted bodies of brothers in bars and
clubs. It was evident in the August 1998 issue of Malebox magazine, a
Washington, D.C.-based publication by and about black gay men. In this
magazine, dozens of men gave very negative responses to the question, "Why
don't you have a boyfriend?" Many of these men made one or more of the
following responses:
2. Most black gay men, particularly those who live in major metropolitan
cities, aren't interested in a long-term relationship because there are too
many men to attempt to date and/or sleep with. In other words, why even
consider having a relationship with one man when dating many men makes life
more exciting?
3. Black gay men don't truly understand the concepts of love and commitment.
However, they're highly proficient in good sex etiquette.
4. I'm too busy with my job or career.
5. The social-economic status of many black gay men leaves much to be
desired.
6. I'm tired of the games people play.
I'm not a self-righteous expert on relationships. Still, I want to share
with you some things the LORD has revealed to me on the subject of
encouraging my brother who is unhappy not having someone special in his
life.
The first point of encouragement is to not give up on GOD. No matter
how bleak the single scene may seem to be, don't give up on finding someone
special. Perhaps it's better to say don't give up on someone finding you.
Giving up is related to not having any more patience. Brother, if you have
patience to deal daily with people who aren't to your liking, whether it's
on the job, in school, in the club, or even in your family, then you
certainly can have patience in being blessed with a romantic relationship.
Know that if you acknowledge the LORD in all your ways, then He will direct
your paths (Proverbs 3:6). Galatians 6:9 says, "And let us not be weary in
well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not."
The second point of encouragement is to remind you that being single
does mean you are a failure at finding someone special. Understand that your
relationship status is what it is because of GOD's will and your choices.
For example, when you choose to speak or not to speak to someone you find
attractive; when you give GOD some of your time; when you decide to not pay
your tithes; when you choose to go out on a date. These and other choices
all contribute to your life's status and that includes the relationship
aspect of your life. Do not feel you're lacking something or that you're
incomplete because you don't have a boyfriend. You're not a failure because
you still don't have a man after spending hours upon hours making yourself
attractive and appealing in every conceivable fashion. After all, what is
more important: what you don't have of what you do have? I've learned that
each time someone turns me down, GOD paves the way for the brother who won't
turn me down to appear in my life.
The third point of encouragement is a challenge to all black gay men
including myself: be prepared to give to someone what you ask for from
someone. This statement is for those persons who have any of the opinions
listed in the first paragraph. For example, how can you want someone who is
good in bed all the time when you have had some not-so-good sexual
experiences? How can GOD give you an honest, trustworthy, and caring brother
when you sometimes might be dishonest, distrustful, and begrudging? So you
want a man who doesn't play games; how many times have the played the call
waiting game? That is, how many times have you said to yourself, "I won't
call him first; instead I'll wait to see how genuine his interest in me is
by letting him call me first"? This is not say that one shouldn't set good
standards for oneself but have you learned not to set impossible standards? 1
Timothy 4:7-9 says, "But refuse profane and old wives' fables, and exercise
thyself rather unto godliness. For bodily exercise profiteth little, but
godliness is profitable unto all things, having promise of the life that now
is, and of that which is to come. This is a faithful saying worthy of all
acceptation." Finally, know that one should not seek perfection because no
one is perfect.
The final point of encouragement is to remind you to appreciate
yourself and your friendships. Many black gay men want a lover who is also a
friend. I feel that brothers can appreciate their partner if they appreciate
their current friends. For example, contact a friend and surprise him/her
with a token of appreciation of his/her friendship. Just let them know how
much you enjoy having him/her in your life. Telling your friends you love
them can make it easier for you to tell your boyfriend you love him. Don't
take a person's friendship for granted. If don't appreciate your current
friends, then how will you appreciate of boyfriend who is also a friend? It
has been often said that black gay men don't really appreciate each other
and their friendships. Such a statement can be overturned by those of us who
practice and believe in Proverbs 18:24, "A man that hath friends must shew
himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a
brother."
To conclude, I encourage my brothers to be true to, appreciate, and
respect yourself and the people around you. I'm learning to grow closer to
GOD as I live life as a single black gay man. In turn, GOD teaches me how to
be close to myself and how to love and encourage others with His teachings.
Oh my brother, be encouraged and He shall strengthen thine heart.
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Respecting the Soul : Daily Reflections for Black Lesbians and Gays by Keith Boykin
by Keith Boykin
by Essex Hemphill (Editor)
Also In This Issue:
Embracing the Exile:
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