JESUS CHRIST DECLARES FOR PRESIDENT
OPPONENTS RAP "ANTI-FAMILY" VIEWS
by: Hal Gordon
Washington, D.C. -- Jesus Christ formally declared himself a contender for the
1996 Republican presidential nomination today, amid growing controversy over
his purported "anti-family" views.
Senators Robert Dole and Phil Gramm, Mr. Christ's principal rivals for the
GOP nomination, were quick to point out previous positions taken by Mr.
Christ that pro-family Republicans were likely to find objectionable. Sen.
Dole cited an occasion reported in Luke 9:60, where Mr. Christ refused to
allow one of his campaign volunteers time off to bury his father. Sen. Gramm
added that the next two verses of that same chapter show that Mr. Christ does
not even permit his volunteers to so much as say goodbye to their families
when they join his campaign. "That's just plumb shameful," deplored Sen
Leaders of the religious right were even more critical of Mr. Christ's stand
on family issues. Pat Robertson of the Christian Coalition quoted Matthew
10:35-36 -- verses, he insisted, that revealed Mr. Christ's "secret plan" to
destroy the traditional family: "For I am come to set a man at variance with
his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter-in-law
against her mother-in-law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own
"What further proof do we need," demanded Mr. Robertson, "that Mr. Christ is
the enemy of all that is good and wholesome in American family life? Even
the most extreme elements of the homosexual lobby haven't proposed anything
as subversive as this!"
Mr. Christ's own sexual orientation has been called into question as well.
Responding to rumors that Mr. Christ had sought to address a mass meeting of
the Promise Keepers and had been turned away, Bill McCartney, the
organization's founder, said that Mr. Christ's appearance at a Promise
Keepers rally would be "inappropriate", given the organization's avowed
purpose of helping men become better husbands and fathers.
Mr. McCartney said it is common knowledge that Mr. Christ is over 30 years
of age, still unmarried, and leads a rootless, itinerant lifestyle.
Furthermore, he noted, Mr. Christ encourages his married followers to leave
their families behind when they come to work for him. Most unsettling of
all, said Mr. McCartney, are the disturbing references in the gospels to Mr.
Christ "loving" members of his male entourage -- specifically John, Lazarus,
and the scion of a wealthy family identified only as "the rich young ruler."
Mr. Christ's partiality for anonymous young men has also been commented on
by Gary Bauer, head of the Family Research Council. Mr. Bauer reports that
his organization is currently investigating Mr. Christ's widely-publicized
arrest in the Garden of Gethsemane on charges of disturbing the peace. In
particular, said Mr. Bauer, his organization is attempting to discover the
identity of the young man who, according to the account given in Mark
14:51-52, was observed fleeing the scene stark naked.
A press release just issued by Mr. Christ's campaign promised that the
candidate would convene a press conference early next week to answer these
and other charges that have been leveled against him. At that same press
conference, the release continued, Mr. Christ would make what were termed
"some damning accusations" of his own.
Hal Gordon is a freelance writer based in Bethesda, Md.
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