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The Spiritual Crisis
of Coming Out
Afew weeks ago, as I prepared my sermon for Palm Sunday, it occurred
to me that the
Triumphal Entry of Jesus into Jerusalem was, in a sense a "coming out"
for Jesus. Having
previously downplayed and hushed his identity as the promised Messiah
(though never denying
it), Jesus was now deliberately and publicly announcing his
Messiahship. The parallels are striking
between Jesus's "coming out" and our own. Inevitably, such a coming
out precipitates a spiritual
crisis, just as the Triumphal Entry launched a profound crisis in the
spiritual life of Israel and of
Jesus' disciples, as well as for Jesus himself.
Jesus had previously kept very quiet about being the Messiah. Some
Biblical students refer to this
as the "Messianic Secret." He commanded demons to be quiet when they
shrieked His identity,
and He told people who were healed not to tell others. Why would
Jesus be so reluctant to
proclaim being the Messiah? Most likely, it was because of all the
popular misconceptions and
preconceived notions about the mission and identity of the Messiah.
Jesus knew his ministry
would be greatly hampered by these misconceptions, and wanted people
to view him without
prejudging him on the basis of what the Messiah was "supposed" to do.
It may well be that the crisis that erupted in Jerusalem during Holy
Week was due, at least in part,
to the fact that Jesus had declared his Messiahship openly and people
began expecting him to
fulfill the popular notions of the Messiah: raise up an army, oust the
Romans, restore the kingdom
of Israel to its Davidic glory. Failing to meet these expectations,
Jesus was quickly transformed
from a conquering hero to just another rabble-rouser to be crucified.
The crowd turned against
him when he failed to live up to their expectations.
Like most gay and lesbian people, I want to be accepted by others for
who I am, not just as a "gay
man." My sexuality is not a definition of myself, even though it is
an important part of my
identity. I resent the misconceptions that straight people often have
of gay men: we're swishy,
effeminate, child-molesters, promiscuous, over-sexed, flighty, and all
the other stereotypes. I do
not want to be defined by these, but as soon as I am identified as
being gay, the stereotypes come
into the picture, at least to some extent. Resisting the stereotypes
often keeps the closet door
firmly shut.
As Jesus' "coming out" in Jerusalem launched a crisis in that city,
coming out of the closet will
inevitably precipitate a crisis in our lives, a crisis that might be
social, financial, relational,
professional, and even spiritual. In fact, all of the other facets of
the crisis of coming out seem to
funnel down into the spiritual life. My own coming out meant losing
my job and career (I was a
Presbyterian pastor for 16 years), facing divorce from my wife and
separation from my children,
moving to another part of the country and trying to put all the pieces
of my life back together into
some coherent whole. Suddenly I went from having been the interpreter
of God's Word and a
spiritual leader to being an outcast from most of the Church, deceived
by Satan, and an enemy of
the "truth".
But in spite of all these changes, the most profound and meaningful
ones have been in my spiritual
life. The crisis for me arose when, after several years of "ex-gay"
ministry, I began to realize that
my sexuality was not changing. God was not answering affirmatively my
prayers to be straight.
Instead, I began to hear, from books and personal testimonies of
people who just "happened" to
come into my life, that a person CAN be gay and be a Christian. I was
reading convincing
arguments that the Bible does NOT condemn loving same-sex
relationships. Suddenly, I realized
I had been misreading the Bible for years, forcing upon it the popular
misconceptions and mind-
set of those who just KNEW what God was saying. It was no longer a
matter of accepting or
rejecting the Scriptures. It was a matter of coming to a new
understanding of what the Scriptures
really teach, and rejecting the misconceptions and preconceived
notions through which we
interpret Scripture. I began to see the ministry of Jesus in a
totally new way. I understood in a
new way what justification by faith is all about, and how the Law is
no longer binding on us.
This was a profound paradigm shift for me! Not only did I have to
throw out some ideas that had
been with me for years, I had to begin to question everything I had
ever believed. In what other
ways had I been completely missing the point? I even began to wonder
if I had really been a
Christian when I had so dreadfully misunderstood the radical impact of
the Gospel.
This kind of spiritual crisis, though profoundly disturbing, is also a
healthy means of growth. The
process of coming out forces us into listening carefully for the voice
of God amid all the voices
around us that clamor for attention and attempt to tell us what God
has to say. This deepens faith
in a way that few other experiences can. It forces us to question our
preconceived notions as we
read the Scriptures, and to search for what the Holy Spirit is
actually communicating to us
through them. This might put us at odds with other Christians who
cannot accept the notion that
one can be a Christian and also be openly gay. But we must learn to
listen to the voice of God for
ourselves, and not automatically accept the voices around us as being
channels of the truth. They
are, after all, human just like us, and subject to being mistaken and
even deceived.
Jesus had to face the wrath of his enemies when he "came out" in
Jerusalem. He knew that the
path ahead was one that would be unimaginably difficult. But he also
knew that it was the path
chosen by God, and no other path would be acceptable. We may face
similar crises when we
make the decision to come out. When such a crisis comes, we can do
more than just survive it;
we can embrace it and learn from it and grow in ways that might not
ever have been possible
otherwise. The crisis can be a marvelous opportunity to learn and
grow, to lean on the everlasting
arms of God, to discover new facets of the truth, and to gain a new
understanding of ourselves as
we have been created by the infinite and unfathomable love of God.
Richard W. Clark
[M.Div, 1979, Gordon-Cnwell Theological Seminary]
has pastored 3 churches in the Presbyterian Church (USA) 1979-1995. In
1995 he came out of the closet and was immediately removed from his
pastorate at Forest Park Presbyterian Church in Hutchinson, KS.
He recently started a new congregation, Resurrection Fellowship, in the
Gaithersburg, MD area. He also works as a Statistical Assistant for the
Cardiology Branch, NHLBI, National Institutes of Health.
He has two daughters from a previous marriage. He is now happily partnered
with Tom, living in Rockville, MD. Joined in Holy Union on May 4, 1996.
Visit Rich Clark's Website
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