Instead of running away from our loneliness and trying to forget or deny it, we have to protect it and turn it into fruitful solitude. To live a spiritual life we must first find the courage to enter the desert of our loneliness and to change it by gentle and persistent efforts into a garden of solitude. This requires not only courage but also a strong faith. As hard as it is to believe that the dry, desolate desert can yield endless varieties of flowers, is equally hard to imagine that our loneliness is hiding unknown beauty. The movement from loneliness to solitude, however, is the beginning of any spiritual life because it is the movement from the restless senses to the restful spirit, from the outward-reaching cravings to the inward-reaching search, from the fearful clinging to the fearless play.

Henri Nouwen,
Reaching Out

I am in a place of deep loneliness. One of the reasons I haven't written any devotionals is because I don't think I can speak any words of wisdom to any of you, because I'm not in a place of wisdom .. I'm in a deep pit of loneliness and despair.

I read Henri Nouwen's words this afternoon and he spoke words of refreshment and joy to my soul. He also spoke to me of hard spiritual work that lies ahead for me. I've spent so much of my time fighting my loneliness ... forcing myself to get out, be social, be amongst people. Y'know what? That only made me feel even more lonely. I would be around people who didn't know me very well, or didn't seem interested in knowing me. I found myself in situations that were not helpful .. and I returned home, to my empty apartment, even lonelier than when I had left.

I read Henri Nouwen's words with a twinge of despair. To turn my loneliness into blessed solitude "requires not only courage but also a strong faith." I'm running low on both of those things at the moment. I've felt a strange silence from God ... an absence that I've never felt before in my life. My mind is awash with emotions, thoughts and desires. I can't seem to quiet my mind. I find myself praying to God, but not feeling like my prayers are lifting any higher than the ceiling.

I yearn for the solitude Nouwen writes about. I yearn for the courage, the faith to turn my loneliness into that "fruitful solitude." I'm desperate to turn my "restless senses" into a "restful spirit." I've been caught up in "outward-reaching cravings" and long for the "inward-reaching search" that will end my "fearful clinging" and turn my life into that of "fearless play." I pray to God for all these things ... but have only received silence.

It dawns on me that maybe, instead of ignoring me, God is modeling what I need to be doing. Instead of my incessant chatter ... my "fearful clinging" ... I should be silent .. willing to sit in my loneliness until it becomes my home .. my solitude. Instead of God's silence being a refusal to answer my prayers, it may well be just the answer I need. Perhaps I should be still and know ... instead of restless and unknowing? I'll try that and let you know how it goes.

Blessings,
Candace