"It is not length of life, but depth of life."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

I turned 35 years old today. I remember when I was a kid I'd sit around with my friends and we'd figure out how old we'd be in the year 2000. When I was 15, 35 sounded so very old. I wondered what I would be doing at such an age. Would I be with a life partner? Would I have a great job? What are the things I would be proud of when I was 35?

I know that if someone from the future had plopped down beside me at that moment and told me all the things about my life that have indeed happened I would have told them they were insane. I'm living in an area of Atlanta that I said, years ago, I'd never set foot in. I'm single and not loving it. However, I've had a long and satisfying career in media that I'm proud to say has been one full of integrity and overall ... fun!

As I reflected on my life recently I've realized that Emerson's words ring true. It's not the length of a life, but the depth. I have lived a very deep life in the past 35 years, and if it all ended today, I would die satisfied. I have loved someone with a depth of emotion I never believed was humanly possible. I have found my calling and used my media experience to put together a magazine that, by all accounts, has deeply touched the lives of many that I know of ... and probably thousands more that I have no idea about. I have excellent friends who amaze me every day with the depth of their love for me. I have found a congregation of people who allow me to be me without judging me. I have a family that says they don't understand my homosexuality, but treats me no differently than anyone else in the family. Their actions of acceptance have far outweighed any words of condemnation I have received. I have spent my life in a profession that I love ... and the axiom is true ... "do what you love and the money will come." I spent many impoverished years doing what I love, but it's finally paying off in wonderful ways.

What a beautiful life I've lived so far! I know so many people who would be envious of the blessings I have received. Ah, but we humans are a greedy lot. Even given all that I've been grappling with feelings of almost overwhelming loneliness. I look at my life and I see so many blessings ... family, friends, a house, a fulfilling career, beautiful pets that I love dearly. I feel a bit ashamed when I say to God, "that's great, God, but there's more I want."

I've had to reorient myself so many times in the past year or so to focus on the incredible blessings I've been given, and not focus on the areas that remain unfulfilled. I feel a bit guilty when I come to God asking for even more than I've been given. I have to remind myself to "seek first the kingdom" because if I do, all these things will be added. I can't dwell on what I don't have ... instead I must dwell on the task before me ... seeking God's will in my life.

One of my favorite Indigo Girls songs is called "Everything in its Own Time" with the line "a lesson learned, a loving God, and things in their own time, in nothing more do I trust." I have to remember those words often. The loving God who takes care of me will fulfill my every need, but it may not be on my timetable. So I must trust that everything will happen in its own time. In the meantime, I must seek the kingdom ... and do God's will in my life.

Blessings,
Candace