"There is always the desire, and a worthy desire, too, that the person we are to love may possess endearing perfections; we wish it not only for our own sake but also for the sake of the other person. Above all, it is worthy to wish and pray that the one we love might always behave and be such that we could give our full assent and approval. But in God's name let us not forget that is is not to our credit if he is such a person, still less to our credit to demand it of him -- if there should be any talk about anything being to our credit ... then it should be just this, to love with equal faithfulness and tenderness in either case. ... he does not love the man he sees and easily makes his love as loathesome to himself as he makes it difficult for the beloved."

Soren Kiekegaard, Works of Love

The groups that have sponsored the round of "ex-gay" ads that have run in national newspapers this week say they are "speaking the truth in love." Love. They throw that word out there like they know what it means.

When I first read this passage from Kierkegaard a few months ago, my discomfort with this kind of "love" suddenly made sense. When the "ex-gay" leaders speak of their "love" for us, they are speaking about how they "love" us because they see us as being able to "change" our sexual orientation. Unfortunately, this is not the love that Jesus speaks about.

Jesus tells us we must love those around us ... just as we find them, "with equal love and tenderness." We cannot wish they were different, we cannot demand they be different. We must love them as we see them, whether we consider them saints or sinners. This is true love, this is the love of Jesus.

I can truly state that I love people like Jerry Falwell, Anthony Falzarono, Pat Robertson and any other fundamentalist Christians. I love them with Christ's love. I don't get any warm, fuzzy feelings for them .. quite the opposite, in fact. But I love them as I see them; human, fallible, trying their best to do what they believe God has called them to do. I do believe they are true Christians, though misguided in many of their motives. They may believe the same about me, but what is lacking is respect and Christ's unconditional love toward me and other gays and lesbians.

Loving someone because you see in them some potential to change, to become what you would have them to be, is a terrible love. You do not love the person you see, you love the person you want to see. That makes your love loathesome to yourself and to the person in question.

That's why these ads make my skin crawl when they use the word "love." They do not love me as a lesbian, they love me because they think they see a potential "ex-lesbian."

That's not the love of Christ, that's the love of humans, and it is loathesome, and difficult to believe.

Blessings,
Candace