We but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents.

Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance, [From The Portable Emerson]

There is a lot of fear and shame in the gay and lesbian community. It is this fear and shame that keeps us in the closet. We fear we'll will lose our jobs, our family or our friends. Instead of taking that risk, we remain hidden and fearful that one day our shameful secret will be discovered.

I remember a time when I was like that. I was working at a radio station in Gainesville, Georgia. This is the epitome of a small town. The radio station was typical small town radio complete with a "swap shop" program every Saturday morning.

I was living with my first girlfriend in a different town while I held this job. Everyone at the station was either married, or dating, and they were all heterosexual. I did my best to fit in. I invented boyfriends and even took an old boyfriend to one of the station's social functions. One of the people on the news staff was a close friend, who knew the truth about me. We were talking one day and I had said something about how tiring it is to be in the closet there. He laughed and told me, "Your sexual orientation is the worst kept secret in this building."

Everybody knew! No one was fooled by my attempt to invent stories and "act straight." It was at this point that I realized my fear and shame had taken over. I was so afraid of losing this job [which I quit soon after this incident] that I forced myself to live dishonestly.

Emerson has always been my hero. While in high school I wrote essays for the school paper about never compromising your principles, about always living honestly and truly. I was filled with shame when I realized there was a major part of my life that I had been lying about. I was only half expressing myself. I was very much ashamed of the divine idea my life could represent.

I took the first step toward full expression by coming out. I stopped inventing stories, and boldly proclaimed the truth about myself. It did not cost me my job, it did not cost me my friends and it did not cost me my family. The only thing I lost was the great burden of shame and fear that had been on my back for many years.

Now, I live honestly and openly. It can be frightening sometimes. I often feel very exposed to those who might seek to do me harm. I'm probably not hard to find. In fact, I struggled over the decision to make my seminary information public through the school. I decided it would be dishonest to hide.

I won't hide anymore. I am not ashamed of the divine idea my life can represent to others. I renew my vow to fully express myself.

Blessings,
Candace