"Why do you want to go and mess yourself up like that?"

My mother's exact words when I told her I was going to seminary.

My mother's words took me aback. My mother is the pillar of faith. Her amazing ability to keep faith in God through some of the trials I have seen her go through has been my main inspiration to even stay within the Christian faith. If my mother can find strength like that based in a religion, then I want to find that same strength. I thought the best way to do that is to learn all I can about Christianity. My mother disagrees.

Without ever setting foot in school, my mother already believes I've gone and messed myself up. We've had theological debates about the virgin birth, the resurrection and the entire doctrine of substitutionary atonement. I've done tons of reading on all of these Christian beliefs, and I'm not sure I believe totally in all of them. In my mother's world, that makes me messed up.

I admit, I'm sometimes envious of my mother's simple faith. It's beautiful in many ways. She simply believes. The doctrines don't trouble her. She doesn't give them much thought before she gives her assent to them. Unfortunately, she raised an inquisitive daughter. I need to know where my faith comes from. I need to know exactly what I believe in, and why.

My homosexuality complicated my faith journey. There was no way I could "simply" believe. I was raised in a tradition that doesn't historically look kindly on "my kind." To remain within the folds of Christianity, I had to do some searching. There were questions that needed answers, there were answers that needed further exploration. A simple faith was impossible for me. Just believing and accepting dogma and doctrine was never an option for me.

My search for an honest faith journey has led me to where I am today, on the brink of entering seminary. Orientation begins in two days, then classes. I know my mother is praying I won't be "messed up" by my religious education. I don't think she has anything to be worried about. She raised a child who has a ready made example of faith, hope, charity and love. My mother has given me many gifts, but these are probably the greatest.

Blessings,
Candace