The Story of Sodom

by Whosoever in Humor

I thought this would be a great time to share with y’all the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. Now being a good Christian, I’m going to tell it from THAT perspective, and we can see how wonderful and logical this story is when placed in the context that the religious right would like us to believe.

OK — get your popcorn and I’ll continue.

One upon a time there were two cities named Sodom and Gomorrah. They were filled with lusty bands of homosexuals (and presumably lesbians, though some conventional Xian wisdom thinks they were invented with womyn’s golf), who made the cities a nasty place for right-thinking Xians to live.1 And God was pissed.

So God sends down three angels (who all graduated from the Police Academy and had very dangerous jobs)1 down to Sodom to consult with Lot, a nice and wonderful person and warn him that there was about to be a dramatic increase in the amount of broadband gamma radiation in the local area.

Lot, upset at losing real estate potential, invites the angels in, and proceeds to dicker with God over the terms of this proposal. Lot enters the Sodom righteousness sweepstakes: if he can find N righteous men and if by rubbing off the spot on the top of their heads that number matches the number on the ticket the angels gave him, Sodom and Gomorrah will be saved.

The number N is revealed to be *5*.

Lot goes out and doesn’t meet his quota.

God began the process of massive lay-offs, but wait! there’s more! A lusty band of homosexuals come to the door asking for dates with the hunky angels from out of town. (Who are presumably heterosexual since Lot would NEVER have a homosexual in his house… one knows this by looking at the interior decorating of Lot’s domicile…) Lot refuses, and offers his two virginal daughters to them in the hopes that in doing so they (who presumably number more than 2) will be “converted” into heterosexuality.234

MORAL #1: When your house is besieged by a lusty band of homosexuals, it is proper etiquette to offer them your virginal daughters so as to cure them.

Since the time is up, and Lot did not hit the Jackpot, God begins the nuking of the two cities. Lot and family leave the city under orders not to look back, presumably for the problems of cataracts induced by the high-band emissions. Lot’s wife (who doesn’t have a name) in a moment of distraction, considers she might have left the Water Pik plugged in, and – ZAP! turns in to the world’s largest table condiment.5

And at this point – most Xians will clap and say “See?”

BUT – never fear – there’s the epilogue (which seems to be missing from most recollections of this story)…

OK now Lot and two (still presumably virginal) daughters are living in a cave, pending a career change. The two daughters are quite upset that God’s nuking has also taken away prospective suitors. This isn’t fun at all.

Daughter #1 however has an idea, she gets Dad drunk6 and proceeds to have him impregnate her7. After this works, she then proudly tells the younger daughter8 who does the same thing.

MORAL #2: If God nukes your city9 because there are too many homosexuals in it, incest is an acceptable practice.

The story *actually* ends with the verse

“And thus were the offspring of Lot born”.

Rape, incest, corruption of a minor, and bastard children… THESE Are the Traditional Family Values the Bible talks about?

Me, I think I’m on safer ground with the queers…

Footnotes
  1. This also shows that God’s first name is Charlie. Now that *doesn’t* imply that God is male, but *does* make the cologne of the same name a sacrament.
  2. This is probably the first of many failure of the Religious Right in orientation conversion.
  3. This is also “proof” from the Bible that lesbians do not exist, or at least that Stealth Lesbianism is effective enough to fool most Old Testament personae. Another less-held observation is that Lot was savvy enough to notice that there was Stealth Lesbians in the crowd.
  4. More seriously though, the phobes expect us to believe this, but have NO PROBLEMS WHATSOEVER about the morals of the multiple raping of women so as long as it saves the souls of homosexuals. Conclusion: Rape is not as sinful as homosexuality.
  5. I’m not making this up you know
  6. Drunkenness apparently isn’t a sin. Someone should inform the Baptists immediately.
  7. Incest isn’t a sin if it’s not convenient to shop elsewhere for a mate. Or Lot was a member of NAMGLA.
  8. Corruption of a minor?
  9. Note that this is NOT the story of Noah! There *are* presumably other cities than the good ‘ol S&G. Therefore this epilogue serves no purpose if the story truly IS about morals, esp. sexual morals, unless you want to make the claim that no one is innocent. That would severely put a damper on the “hate the sinner” motif….